Sometimes it’s easier to write what I’m thinking than it is to say it. Sometimes my anger gets in the way. Sometimes my words come out hurtful and sometimes I just don’t know what to say. There’s a constant battle between what I think and what I feel. How can I decipher what you say to what is real? My mind is convinced that I need to take the sharpest scissors I can imagine and cut out all the people in my life that make me question their presence in my future. Waiting for their actions, telling myself that they just need more time to mature. My feelings preach that just because they don’t show me that they care about me as much as I care about them, or as much as I feel like they should show, it doesn’t mean they don’t care at all. My mind says to stop making excuses.
Time is so valuable. What, or rather who, you decide to put your time into is now your investment. Make sense? You invest all or most of your time, feelings, efforts, love into this person…but what if you made a mistake? What if you don’t know if it’s a mistake? What if you want it to work? What if you’re just afraid to let go of this investment because so much of you is in it? Or what if your scared that this investment is going to take off without you? You put all of you and made it so much greater and it just…disappears.
I just want to start all over.